A million things are constantly snatching your attention, fueling the sense of an ever-present to-do list—the kind of list that includes “be a better parent.” Meanwhile, you have a small human talking at you, needing constant supervision, and physically grabbing or jumping at you. It is no wonder that feeling compassionate and present can feel like hard work.
Once children hit certain milestones, some of these demands can lessen or transition to more rewarding interactions. It’s more fun to take a bike ride together than have to escort someone to the bathroom five times. Then there is the “velcro child”. The one that needs only you. Except it’s for everything. It is the ultimate paradox: loving someone fiercely and yet feeling as if you are suffocating.
First, it is entirely possible that both are true. You can adore your child and also desperately crave an hour where no one is touching you or speaking to you or needing you to find something that is missing. The “Kohl’s Mom” commercial hits pretty close to home; hiding in the bedding department might be the new way to shop.
Decoding the Clinging Behavior
When we talk about “attention-seeking” it’s always good to remember that it’s perfectly normal that a young brain needs some help regulating. Humans are social creatures and literally wired to need input from their caregivers to figure out themselves and to manage life.
The good news is that even a toddler has moments where their growth and development require the opposite of clinging; exploring and trying new things on their own. In a healthy situation, kiddo will be curious and then return to home-base for a bit to anchor themselves again. Being present in those moments gives them the courage to go back “out” and check out the world. Practicing this at home where their world has limits helps them gain confidence and thrive, knowing you are nearby can be just enough.
There are times when a child is needing extra support and may be dealing with anxiety beyond the usual childhood worries. Attention-seeking might actually be separation anxiety that is looking for constant assurance. It might speak to sensory needs and come from a child who is using their parent as a shield from an overwhelming world. Or it could just be the sensitivity created by big changes in their little world; a new sibling, school transition or other family stress. Kiddos in change seek familiarity and extra comfort, even control, when managing big change.
Two Truths about Parental Overwhelm
Again, the paradox of parenting says that two things can very much be true at the same time. Your child’s needs can be 100% valid, normal or even age-appropriate without changing that your own overwhelm is 100% real, valid and justified. Rather than escaping to blame of your child or yourself, shifting focus can be helpful to manage this tension.
Overwhelm doesn’t mean your child is broken or that you are a bad parent. It simply means demands have exceeded your current capacity. It can seem like a simplification, but we do not blame or get rid of our car when it runs out of gas. We don’t say “the road is too long”. We do have to acknowledge the tank is empty so that we can take action.
In a time where parents and kids are hyper-stimulated, it can be pretty common that everyone is running on fumes. Before the first melt-down of the day, you might already be very much on-edge. This simply means that we need to figure out how to refill our tanks. When to pull over, when to pause. And this should be on a regular basis, without judgement or feeling that we are failing at life. The road is long; make it a good journey!
Why can’t I just figure this out?
The subtle messaging that parents hear all the time, from themselves and from the world-at-large are also a big part of our unrealistic expectations. We are optimizing, becoming more efficient, returning to the best of the past, becoming the parents we never had, a whole new, amazing generation! Besides too many arm-chair experts, the challenge of proximity also makes it difficult to figure out parenting.
When you are inside a family system, you are too close to see the larger picture. Every interaction is colored by expectations, exhaustion, history and often guilt. It could be your child’s demands are a reminder of your own childhood wounds. When that is the case, even a simple request for attention can turn into a nervous-system emergency.
How Counseling Can Help
Stepping into a therapy room can feel like open-season on your parenting skills. It’s good to remember that a neutral party doesn’t want to create winners and losers, they want to help translate and give you perspective that might be hard on your own to determine. Some points they may explore with you:
- Is this just a behavioral phase that requires a little boundary adjustment and some consistency on your part?
- Is there an underlying emotional need your child has that isn’t being met?
- Is the child actually just fine! In this situation it may be that you need permission to establish healthy, guilt-free boundaries.
It can be great not having to guess your way through something or wait until you completely snap or are in crisis to ask for help. Seeking input is a step towards a more sustainable family dynamic that allows both you and your child to get your needs met.
If you feel like you are drowning in your child’s demands, let’s untangle this together. Contact us to schedule a consultation or a family session.
